A Lone Wolf's Lament
The Messy Truths of Depression
When you’ve been through hell, you get this audacity that you’d be able to overcome any shit that life throws at you.
With this in mind, the turnaround stories of celebrities shouldn’t be surprising.
Robert Downey Jr.? Drug addict turned Marvel’s Iron Man (fangirling as i write this)
Eminem? Broke and addicted to Best Rapper of all time.
J. K. Rowling? Depressed single mom to Best-selling author of wizards and witches.
I could throw in 98 more but you see the point.
They all were once miserable.
They all were bad at something.
They all were lost.
But somehow, after years and years of grinding, they made a name for themselves.
And that’s all we know about them. Most of us, at least.
Life’s a Story
I recently finished Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking Fast and Slow after 4 months of starting (I know..) only to become a Kahneman-iac.
In one of the chapters he says and I quote,
Well old Kahnie, bless his soul, was onto something here.
When talking about someone’s story of overcoming drug addiction, breaking out of poverty, getting out of depression, we don’t usually get all the details of the story.
Just that of the significant points in their life.
Well the best example I could give you are the tweets on X (Twitter).
“Four Years ago, I was a broke ass, meth-head living in my mom’s basement
Now, my butt’s on a Lambo. Say Cheeks!”
I could have embedded this post but I didn’t want my “cheeks” to be sued. I even posted something similar on X out of spite (What? I got stuff to brag about too!)
My point being, no one shares the nitty-gritty details of what it was like to be miserable in great detail.
Even if they did, you could count with one hand, how many reels there are about it in Instagram.
I am not blaming anyone for doing so cuz after all, freedom of expression and stuff.
If I were ever to be successful one day, I am not sure I’d be talking about the pain I went through either.
But when you are lost with no drive and you’re waiting for doors to open, there is a truckload of emotions making your brain go berserk.
I’m not sure how many of you reading this have been through mental health issues but if you did…,
You know what it’s like to go through them every damn day.
And that’s what we’re delving into today.
Anxiety wouldn’t let you stop worrying about how something would turn out.
Depression wouldn’t even let you do that thing in the first place.
When you have both, it’s a brutal tug of war up there.
If you do, I see you.
So, not only is pacing through the daily life damn hard….the success stories being shared with you, add 50 more feet of crappy feelings thereby immobilizing you.
Literally.
Every time you get “motivation” from someone, you wanna rip their head off, even though you know they mean well.
And that is just not enough to get you off the ground.
If you’re that person, it’s okay to feel this way.
It’s okay to not be the hustler that you used to be.
It’s okay to just try to do whatever you can at the moment.
Even if it’s just getting off the bed to go get a glass of water. Cuz Trust me i know how it feels.
But, if you’re not that person, but you’ve got someone being “weird” as ranted above in your life,
STOP.
STOP bombarding them with motivation.
I got so much of it that I’ve grown to hate it these days.
Most important of all,
Don’t shrug off whatever they have to say, as something trivial.
I know their problems don’t feel “big enough” for you.
But that’s only because you’ve never been through it. You lucky bastard.
That only just gives you a bit of a learning curve to be with them. Don’t worry I got you.
The reason most people don’t know how to deal with a depressed dude is cuz they don’t know what’s going inside their heads.
Just because we’re depressed and talking to ourselves, doesn’t mean we’re planning a plane invasion. God!
Let’s hit that next.
The Voice of the Gut.
That’s right.
Us depressed dudes have an inner voice calling out to venture into the unknown (Kinda like Elsa from the previous post).
Well….
Before you get jealous, let me tell you that it’s a pain in the ass to have it.
I’m talking overthinking, negative self talk, “not this!”, “not that!”, “you’re shit!” kinda talk.
Dealing with it is what drains most of the energy. Let’s break down what it whispers.
But before we get all sassy,
1. “Excuse me, you got a damn point?”
When you have the D-word, you question everything’s “point”.
I mean, EVERYTHING.
The pen, the keyboard, the phone, the fat chick yelling behind you, your boss’s polka dots PJs…..all of it.
It’s a mental mayhem.
I know I’m passing it off as something funny here but it’s so not when you have to deal with this.
Imagine you have a deadline for your assignment coming up in 2 hours and you’re here being jealous of the pen because it can’t feel anything.
(Sorry, can’t help. It’s a coping mechanism. Cut me some slack. Jeez!)
It’s too damn hard to keep going when you have to keep fighting this.
But we’re trying and I know you are too. Thanks for that.
Onto the next.
2. “I don’t feel a thing!”
When you pass an exam, get a new car or just buy a new jar of jam, you usually feel something good.
Some dopamine would keep you going until you reach for the spoon at least.
But if you’re depressed, not so much.
The dopamine kick’s dead.
No matter what happens, the numbness doesn’t just go away. (It’s that good….or bad…whatever)
My point being, if someone gives you a gift, you wouldn’t care.
Neither would you if someone flips you off.
You wouldn’t care for anything because depression takes that power away from you.
You would feel violated and probably worse off than before. At least that’s how I felt.
A part of me still does.
Which brings me to….
3. “I am $0”
Lets say that you somehow managed to go on overdrive and accomplish your daily tasks.
If you feel inadequate or more like, You’re Worth Nothing, even after doing everything you promised yourself that you would,
That’s depression at work. That's the nasty trick it plays.
No matter what you achieve. it convinces you that you're not enough.
It's like having a constant bully chipping away at your confidence.
But there’s something I heard in a podcast that helps me at times.
Be your Best Friend. Not your Worst Bully.
- Rob Dial.
If you don’t…
You might even start believing that you're incapable of success, leading to a downward spiral of self-doubt and inaction.
And the spiral starts with:
4. "What if... What if... What if...?"
The endless loop of "what ifs" is another hallmark of depression.
Your brain becomes a hyperactive hamster on a wheel, churning out worst-case scenarios and anxieties.
You might find yourself:
questioning every decision,
second-guessing your abilities,
and obsessing over potential mistakes that you NEVER would have done in the first place.
This is fucking paralyzing, preventing you from moving forward and taking action.
It can be relentless, constantly reminding you of your perceived flaws and shortcomings.
It's like having a broken record playing on repeat making it difficult to see yourself in a positive light.
I’ll tone down the imagery but you get it.
The reason I went kinda deep into all this is…
This means something to me.
And recently, I have been receding into doing all the things that we talked about just now.
Slipping into old patterns, numbing myself with distractions, zero confidence in taking a leap, you name it.
I hear you saying “Don’t worry, Karthik. You’ll figure this out.”
But as grateful as I am to that (even if you weren’t totally saying it), I can’t just jump out of bed beaming positivity as much I would love to.
Two years ago, this was a lot more terrible. I will get into it in one of the future posts.
But when you go through this once, it’s like you’re never really out of it.
So the next time you see someone you know, lamenting about life raining shit on them…
Especially when they have a history of a mental illness,
By God, Don’t ask them to pull themselves together.
Don’t undermine their feelings.
or worse,
Don’t ask them to “Cheer Up!”
Instead just BE.
Be there by their side.
Acknowledge their pain. Or Even Better,
Share Yours.
You are trying to give hope to someone when they see none of it. Bear that in mind and keep going.
I know this was more touchy-feely but a wolf is allowed to shed a tear now and then.
So are you.
If you are going through something that is too hard to talk about with people you know, now is the time to get it all out.
The ugly, the uglier and the ugliest. Unfiltered.
Click Below to unload.
I’m gonna say some cringey cliched stuff now, so brace yourself.
You are not your depression.
You are not your anxiety.
You are a fighter, a survivor, a warrior.
And even though the battle may feel endless at times, know that there is hope.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. And you are strong enough to find it.
Keep Howling.
Until next time,
Your Wolf in the Wilderness, Karthik R