A year ago, I had started my first ever job.
My dream one, I thought.
I had been sick of staying home and not having anything to do that
Let’s rewind a little.
I had just gotten out of the psych ward, breathing fire.
I think a little backstory would help here.
For some reason I thought it would be cool to read a book in the confines and so I did.
“Fire and Blood” by George R.R. Martin. (and yes, I’m a Game of thrones head, for 6 seasons cuz you know, Winter “came” after that).
So as I was scouring through the pages, one character stood up.
Rhaenyra, my favorite, was put through hell.
She was denied the throne.
She saw her opinions demolished.
She wanted peace but was primed for war.
She saw her words crumble down to dust like they meant nothing.
She had every right to go mad. Which she did.
But if you see it, the maddening rage stemmed from one response that she kept getting over and over and over again, all through her life.
No.
No to everything she deserved, to everything that was rightfully hers, to everything that she was willing to give her life for.
When you are denied time and time again, you lose hope.
When hope is all you got to keep going.
Saying No’s so you could stay disciplined is okay.
Getting No’s for staying disciplined just sucks.
No, apparently, is a complete response.
But we’re human. So it just can’t be.
Going back to breathing fire amongst the townspeople,
I had this audacity to go for everything I wanted.
I wanted to choose the toughest instrument to play, the hardest language to play and go to the heaviest of all places (aka the gym).
The blind optimism had a good run for a few months.
Until reality kicked in.
I started to look for jobs.
I never really had to face a lot of rejection in my life.
High school and college were a breeze when it came to tests.
Unis were all lined up right after.
Maybe I would have gotten a taste of it had I dated then.
Before you think of asking me out (blush…)
Job search started out good until, you guessed it, when a bunch of rejection letters landed.
I guess I applied for ones in Europe hoping my German prowess would propel me to the skies.
Well at least they had the dignity to turn me down. So, the Indian round began.
I am not sure how it is where you live, but in India when you are not the “right fit“ for a job, they don’t tell you here. They just ghost you.
I guess a year ago I had the audacity to think that I had finally gotten what I wanted.
A taste of financial freedom, a way to prove to myself that I had the skills to make it in the outside world.
But now, looking back, I wonder if it was all just a fluke.
A lucky break that I somehow stumbled into.
And now, here I am, jobless and uncertain. I'm not sure if I have the strength to go through another round of applications, interviews, and the inevitable rejections.
It feels like starting all over again, and honestly, I don't know if I have it in me.
The uncertainty is the worst part.
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, not knowing if I should take the leap of faith or turn back and retreat to the “familiar” (not sure if that is the same cuz apparently everything gets a software update these days)
No to the Unknown
When you are young, you would wanna do everything.
Some of us would even go ahead and do it all.
Start everything all at once.
Staying in the zone of uninformed optimism is seductive. Cuz you know just enough to keep you pumped and not enough to bring you down.
It’s funny how no one talks about the price (other than the literal $$$) of taking something up.
Maybe this is quite a late realization but whatever the hell it is, it was long overdue.
I just wished I asked myself these more frequently.
If you knew me personally, you would have seen me be all over the place.
A year ago, all I wanted was a job.
6 months ago, I wanted meaning on top of it.
3 months ago, I wanted to have a career in Mindset and Fitness with a job in hand. (Also discovered AI could help with it, so hey why not make some money with too?)
A month ago, I quit the job and thought I was “free” to go after my passions.
Now desperation is kicking in. I’m looking for ways to make money.
It’s kind of all I am looking for right now. Not proud at all to admit it.
and there died the positivity.
Writing this post made me remember something I read a few weeks ago.
One of my colleagues and mentors at my old job gifted me the book.
Optimism is widespread, stubborn and costly.
- Daniel Kahneman, Thinking Fast and Slow
It sure is. Except that the cost is intangible and it starts with “T”.
If only I had stumbled upon the damn thing a year ago…
My point being, I never myself asked the questions I mentioned and that costed me a buttload of time. Still is.
Maybe there’s one more question that needs to go in the middle of the list.
Right now, that’s what my brain is braining to answer.
If you are in a situation similar to mine, let me know through a comment if you got the answers for these Qs.
Still figuring out? No worries. Share that too.
If you have already been through life through such a stage, comment below how you got through it. Spare no detail.
This wolf seeks your wisdom.
I hope I didn’t bore you with the soliloquy.
So, here I am, back at the crossroads.
Maybe this time, armed with a few more scars and sanity.
The blind optimism might be fading, but a quiet determination is taking its place.
And maybe, just maybe, that's the key to pawing my way through this wilderness.
Because at the end of the day, whether we're lone wolves or part of a pack, we all have a journey to make.
A journey filled with a conundrum of questions.
So let’s keep the conversation going. When you got time, shoot the answers below.
I hope to have pawed a little bit ahead the next time you get a dispatch from me.
Until next time,
Your Wolf in the Wilderness,
Karthik R